Sunday, December 14, 2014


So you know how when a friend does something or says something really funny or embarrassing and you make fun of them for the rest of their life? Okay well this was one of those times.

My friend Brittany (I call her B) and I were sitting on her couch watching Halloweentown and eating pizza (this was back in October and I had never seen it before so she was forcing me to watch it). So we had just finished up a photo shoot and it was pouring rain and we were both freezing cold and wet. We went around her house, which is pretty big, and found about twelve blankets. We piled them all on top of ourselves trying to warm up.

One thing you need to know about B was that she was one of the most proper people I'd ever met. She would still swear and randomly dance all the time so I guess proper isn't the right word but she would freak out if my stomach made a noise or if I burped or even sneezed, she was a little crazy about those things.

So there we were, watching Halloweentown and eating pizza, scrolling through the pictures we had took outside when B missed 'The best part of the movie'. Halloweentown is a kids movie that plays on Disney Chanel so I thought she was being childish when she said it was scary. B made us rewind to her favorite part when a lady walked past the main character in the movie. The ladies face was all messed up and ugly and she hissed at the other girl while she walked bye. Apparently this scared B so badly that she farted... really loudly. She sat there for a minute, thinking I didn't hear her but there was not one person in that house that didn't hear. So naturally I started cracking up and B crawled under all twelve of the blankets, I wasn't sure if she was laughing or crying. I had gotten to the point where my side hurt, I couldn't breathe and I was crying. I had never laughed so hard in my life and I honestly think we laughed for two hours. I went home and literally told both my parents, my brother, my sister, all my friends and even my singing teacher. She wasn't happy but sometimes in the middle of class I'll start laughing and she'll look at me and just say 'Halloweentown.?'

Maybe Halloweentown will be our always.

Friday, December 5, 2014

Spoken Word

Don't wake your grandma up by fall through a window when your sneaking back inside at three in the morning.
If someone tells you no, tell them yes and do it anyway.
Don't be friends with somebody if they make you miserable, they might be fun sometimes but a                friend shouldn't make you feel bad about your self.
Don't focus on embarrassing things from the past, nobody else remembers it.
Focus on what makes you happy, if you ignore the bad things in life, chances are you'll be happier in the end.
Always remember that there's more in this world than just your town, go explore.
Never forget that somebody loves you, you just might not know it yet.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

The cracks in my ceiling (Free Verse Poem)

Final Poem
Notes: Few punctuation corrected, things taken out, small words added. Given a title.

The cracks in my ceiling
Staring at the cracks in my ceiling has made me realize
My biggest fears have all come true.
For I am nothing,
With or with out you
I am nothing.

This insignificance,
This nothingness.
My darkest fears
Take over my body,
They control me.

I need to break free
I want too.
But with fear comes demons
and the demons
Keep me still in my bed
paralyzed with fear,
Staring at the cracks in my ceiling.

Second Draft

Staring at the cracks in my ceiling has made me realize
My biggest fears have all come true.
For I am nothing,
With or with out you
I am nothing.

This insignificance,
My darkest fears,
Take over my body,
They control me.

I need to break free
I want too.
But the fear,
Keeps me still in my bed
Staring at the cracks in my ceiling,
Thinking about being nothing
                Notes: Few punctuation corrected, things taken out.

First Draft

Staring at the cracks in my ceiling has made me realize,
My biggest fears have all come true.
For I am nothing,
With or with out you,
I am nothing.

This insignificance,
My darkest fears,
Take over my body,
They control me.

I need to break free,
I want too.
But the fear,
Keeps me still in my bed
Staring at the cracks in my ceiling,
Thinking about being nothing 

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

(The Martinian Stanza)

You crashed into my life like a wave,
Destroying my life like a tornado destroys a town.
We used to get along like two peas in a pod,
But you killed me with your sharp knife
We used to be as happy as little buzzing bees
But after you did that,
I was a crushed.
I loved you like I love the summer
And now I hate you like I hate the cold.
But can you honestly tell me now, that all of that was worth this?

A Clock and a Man (elegy)

An old clock and
An old man
Ticking to the same beat.
Once both youthful,
Time takes its toll on the faces of the clock
The man,
Unable to maintain its beauty
The clock breaks away
and slowly

A new man,
Youthful and beautiful,
Restores the old beauty in the clock
And once it ticks,
The new man
And the clock,
Beat together

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Tattered black leather ropes hold together a beautiful but scratched piece of aluminum. Etched in the metal sits the word Zombie, outlined in black with a black backing. Looking at it, it looks like a piece of junk, but the meaning behind it is so deep. One word has more meaning than anything, Zombie. It looks likes it's ten years old, an old soul some might say when really it's no more than a few months old.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Dear Mom and Dad

Dear Mom and Dad,

I know it's weird writing this letter to you guys because your just the perfect parents and you can do no wrong. Well, news flash, you're not perfect. Not even close. Obviously you're my parents so clearly, I love you. But love is a funny thing. It comes with hate, sadness, doubt and insecurity. You have caused me to feel everyone of these and, sometimes, all at the same time. Do you know how that feels? I'm gonna have to say no.

Do you know what it feels like to always be put last in the family? Everyone else is always put before me. Yes, I understand you have other children. Yes, I understand that Adam has problems and needs special attention but I deserve some attention too! I can't be put on the back burner all the time. How many times have you rearranged MY life for Adam and Melissa? A million. How many times have you done that to them? Two, Three times? You make me feel insignificant in this family! So, I sit in my room by myself and try not to bother you. That's when you yell at me.
"Jess you need to get out more!! Your lazy, go do something"
So, I go over a friends house or I go out to the mall or something. Then you just yell at me some more.
"Jess you're never home anymore. You're always gone!"
I can't win with you people.

A really great example just came up. Dad, you just put Melissa, a seven year old, in charge because "She's the only one who hasn't disappointed" you. I'm sixteen. I'm not going to be a perfect daughter but that's no reason to treat me like a warm pile of dog sh*t you have to go out in the rain to pick up.

I admit, Adam is talented. WAY more talented than I could ever hope to be. He plays the drums better than anyone I've ever met. Yes, that includes Jamie, the drummer to The Pretty Reckless but that doesn't mean you can treat me like a talentless hobo. I'm not hopelessly talented. I learned to play bass and sing because I knew that would make you happy. Yeah, I like doing those things but if we had a musical family would I be doing that stuff? No, probably not. I'm trying to be more open about singing but you make it hard for me.
"Jess stop. You're voice is giving me a headache"
Ten minutes later
"Jess we are SO supportive of you!!"
Bull sh*t.
"Jess you should start taking singing lessons again if you want to be in Adam's band"
Ok dad. Cool thanks. For the record, I couldn't give two sh*t's about the stupid band. I was forced into it.

Whenever people come over all you talk about is Adam. Adam this and Adam that. I know you love him most but you always talk about how perfect Adam is and then go on talking about all the bad things I do. IT'S NO WONDER THE WHOLE F*CKING FAMILY HATES ME. If people ask about me, you'll find some way to relate it back to Adam. You talk about band 24/7.
"Oh yeah, they need a singer but nobody good has signed up, they always have sucky singers"
*Side note, I've done band twice. Not once did they talk about me. If you're telling a story, on the rare occasion, that's good about me, you find a way to steal the spot light.
"Yeah, Jess got to meet her idol but WE got to go to the VIP section for FREE and hang out with cool people like Mike, from that radio station."

All of my friends love you guys for some reason. Maybe because they don't see what goes on when their not around. I wish I could live with Nicole's family or Natalie's. Maybe I'll live in the tree fort or run away and live by my self, where you won't be able to put me down anymore. My walls have taken a lot of damage from my release of anger. I've carved things in my closet wall, kicked holes next to my window, threw my phone at the wall, which by the way, is still dented.

Last of all, I'm sick of being put down, yelled at and ignored. Tonight for example, I didn't eat because you made everyone food that they liked and things that I didn't like but it's okay because according to you mom, I can afford to not eat dinner for a night. The things you say hurt. When any parent doesn't pay enough attention to you, it brings out a feeling of worthlessness. I guess that's all I have to say. Who knows, maybe you'll find this letter and actually understand how I feel and make an effort to fix it.

Yours truly,

Monday, October 20, 2014

Timed prompt

It was Christmas Eve. Fog stuck to the tarmac at Lindbergh Field. I looked down from the window of the airport, saying a silent goodbye from my seat in the terminal. Goodbye's are never easy but this one, was the hardest goodbye, I've ever had to say. I held our six year old daughter girl closely in my arms as she cried for her daddy. She didn't really understand what was going on but watching her dad, her favorite person in the world, get on a plane and fly away, was too much for her to handle. Her daddy wouldn't be home anytime soon, Not for Christmas, not for her seventh birthday, not for our anniversary or family parties or holidays. No, he would be spending those days, across the world, fighting to keep us safe. We sat there for a while, Lily and I, wishing her daddy would be home to see all the presents that Santa left under the tree for her.

Coming home from the party, a year after Charles was deployed, Lily fell asleep. It wasn't until two am that we arrived at our now empty home. It was decorated with cheerful decorations, Red and green streamers lined the stairs and our three stockings hung above the fire. After I put Lily to bed and placed all the presents under the tree, I finally went to be. It'd been a long, long day.

"Mommy, Mommy wake up!! Wake up, wake up, wake up!! It's Christmas!! HE CAME SANTA CAME. COME ON LETS GO! THERE'S LIKE A BAZILLION PRESENTS DOWN THERE!!" I put on my best smile and took Lily down stairs to watch her open her gifts. Dolls lay on the floor and there were stuffed animals and toys everywhere, but there was one more unopened present.
"Oh honey, looks like there's one more!!" She brought the present over to me.
"This ones for you Mommy."
I took the small box, wrapped in red paper with a little green bow and slowly opened it. Inside was a beautiful diamond necklace and a note.
I'm sorry I couldn't be there to see you and Lily open your gifts. I have one more surprise for you, look out side.
I ran over to the window. Standing out side, in the middle of a blizzard, was Charles, dressed in a Santa suit. Lily and I ran outside and held on to him as hard as we possibly could. This is what a family was supposed to do on Christmas. We could be a real family. 
"They let me home early this year. I'm done. I don't ever need to go back. I'm home"
It was all over.

PS: My story is not at all violent or sad. It has a nice happy ending, unlike what the author was describing. The protagonist in my story, starts sad but good things happen and in the end, good things happen to her, not terrible like the author said. 

Sunday, October 19, 2014


Oh great. An entire weekend with my grandma and the rest of my stupid family. Not only do I have to be with my grandma for a whole weekend, I have to be with her, with no reception and no Wi-Fi. Could this get any worse?

I couldn't be more excited to hang out with my granddaughter, I mean, I know she's mad at me for ratting her and her friend out to her parents but it's really not my fault that I caught them sneaking in at 3:30 in the morning. She brought that on herself.

I still hate her for ratting me out. Not only that but she's so negative and I'm pretty sure she has ADHD. She can't sit still for more than like a second.

I really hope me and Jess have a chance to talk. Maybe she can teach me some of that cool, hip, lingo all the kids are using these days. Is YOLO still a thing? I have to remember to ask her that. Damn, where's a piece of paper, I need to write that down. Ohh, how cute there's a little lady bug on the window. Come here little guy.

She also can't hear. Like, we bought her hearing aids so that she could actually hear what we were saying but she never wears them.

Shoot. What did I need to write down??

And it's not like she even liked me before the whole "me and Nicole sneaking back inside and Nicole getting stuck and falling through the window, and waking her up" incident. She's always liked everyone better than me anyway. Why should I have to try to pretend to be good when I'm around her if she already doesn't like me anyway?

Oh goodie, I just finished packing!! I can't wait to head up to the cabin. I gotta go grab Jess so we can head out!!

Oh great, she's here. I hate her car. It smells like old ladies and cigarettes. Gross.

                        "So Jess are you excited?? How's school??
                        "Yeah schools alright I guess. I..."
                        "WHAT?! YOUR PREGNANT??"
                        "No Nonnie I said school was alright."
                        "Oh. You better be getting good grades. I don't need you disappointing me again."
Oh look!! A little hotel called The Ladybug Inn. I have to look that up.

Oh great, she pulled over. What the hell is she looking for? Okay... she's on her phone. Does she have to do that now? Honestly, I just want to get there.

How do you work this damn thing... Where's the internet. Safari...?? What the hell does that mean. Is it gonna bring up pictures of lions and stuff??

Ugh. I guess I should help her so we can get going.
                     "Here, Nonnie let me help"

Oh jeez. She's gonna screw something up. What the heck... why's she going on Safari??

Oh my god, I'm already bored. Why's she freaking out I'm trying to help her??

                          "Sorry Nonnie it won't work because there's no reception"
                         " Well god Jess, be careful I don't want you buying anything!!"

I need a cigarette.

Ew she's smoking, why can't she do that outside of the car ugh. What is she even doing?? What. It's ten thousand degrees in this car why doesn't she use her AC?? I CAN'T HANDLE THIS.

                           "Nonnie can we turn the radio on... please?
                           "No!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS?? THE RADIO MAKES MY CAR GO SLOWER!"

What the heck is she even talking about??
 "So Jess, is YOLO still a thing? Should I start saying that??"

Oh my god bye.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Dear Sister (One Act Play)

Sister Jen- A 62 year old nun
Taylor- A 21 year old girl
Father Damien- A 55 year old Father, worked with Sister Jen, also helped raise Taylor
Sister Jen and Father Damien are old friends and Taylor has known her since she was 7. Sister Jen raised her as her own when both Taylor's parents left her.

Taylor is at confession with Father Damien

Taylor- Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It's been a while since my last confession.
There's a small pause
Father Damien- Continue please.
Taylor- I've been living a lie. My whole life... and nobody knows the truth.
Father Damien- Okay... go on.
Taylor- I've been living my life as someone who's not me. Well not inside anyway. I'm not this sweet innocent girl that you all think I am. I was born into a life with everything to lose. And I didn't want to live like that. So I decided to change... And I became that person. And now I need to lie again... to help me become the person I am inside

Sister Jen and Taylor are sitting outside the church on a bench.

Taylor- Sister Jen? I need to ask you for a favor.

Sister Jen- What is it?

Taylor- Could you help me tell a lie?

Sister Jen- Why would you want to lie?

Taylor- Well you see, I've always told the truth. For my whole life I've never said anything but the truth...

Sister Jen- That should be a good thing, why would you want to lie?

Taylor- Nobody wants to hear me... I'm trying to tell them I'm someone else inside... I'm not who they all think I am. Nobody can hear a word I say, nobody's listening, they think they can see right through me, but they don't know, I'm not who I say I am.

Sister Jen- Why don't people believe you?

Taylor- Because I always tell the truth, people wouldn't think my whole life is a lie...

Sister Jen- I see... why do you need my help to lie?

Taylor- I've been on this lonely road... I need someone to help me through this, someone to teach me.

Sister Jen doesn't reply...they sit in silence.
Taylor-  Everyday I wake up, I wake up alone. I need someone to help me... I need someone to help me show people that I'm not who I say I am on the inside... Maybe the devil is in me, maybe he's inside of everything I do... I don't know sister... but I need guidance, help me, please 
Still no reply from Sister Jen
Taylor- I can't find a god... a love... not even Jesus or a father...

 Taylor starts to cry
Taylor- I need to leave, I need to start over. I'm sorry Sister.
Sister Jen- Please, Taylor we can help you.
Taylor- Sister I need you to forget we had this conversation. I need to see Father Damien It looks like I'm not coming home but I don't mind... I'm just 16... I can figure this out, just not while I'm here. I still have time to start over... I'll be okay...please.. please don't cry.
Taylor walks into the church to speak to Father Damien and tell him she's leaving.

Taylor- Father Damien, I'm leaving. I need to start over. I'm moving away and I'm never coming back.

Father Damien- Why... Taylor you don't need to leave to start over.

Taylor- Nobody understands me here. I have no other choice. I'm sorry. Do you at least understand what I mean? I need to get out of this cage.

Father Damien- I do understand... I just think you can do that all here. Taylor... Sister Jen and I raised you and we can help you through this.

Taylor- It's too late to help me, I'm already gone.

Taylor walks out of the church leaves, and Father Damien and Sister Jen don't see her again.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Feedback to Peers

MAGGIE T (If I Remember)
- Other than a few grammatical errors, I really enjoyed reading your work. Your stories are very well written. Writing seems to come very easily to you. You develop your plot and characters well. Keep up the good work ;)

NICOLE N (But What If We Get Caught?)
-To begin, I love how all of your characters are Gossip Girl characters. This story is my favorite of all of the ones you wrote because you took a real event, and turned it around to have a different ending, being part of the story I wasn't expecting it and I think that's what I liked about it so much. Anyway, I really like reading all of your stories and I cant wait to read the next one 'xoxo Gossip Girl'. -Little J

Abby M.
- Probably my favorite part of this story was how it just ended. I honestly loved that. I'm assuming she was killed and I really liked how you don't provide and ending because it leaves the reader wanting more. I also enjoyed the style of this writing... over all it was a great story. Also I LOVED the characters name 'Jenny Blair'. It made me laugh.

Sunday, September 28, 2014


“Mom, i'll be fine by my self for the weekend. You guys go on your vacation, I'll call grandma and have her stay with me! Don't worry about it!”

“Nikki... I don't know if that a good idea...”

“Trust me mom, everything will be fine!!”

I can't believe my mom actually fell for that. What an idiot. As soon as my family pulled out of the driveway, I called Julia. She rushed over and burst through the door. “LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!”

“My mom is literally an idiot! She actually thought I was going to stay with my grandma!”

We ran out the door and down the street to 'the field'. Julia and I had been planning this for weeks! I was so excited! We met Nate and Dan at 'the field' and then started walking to Dan's house. I've always really liked Dan, so the fact that he actually wanted to hang out with me made me really happy.

We walked into Dan's empty house and into his living room. He went into the kitchen with Nate and came back with food and drinks. Then we went outside to wait for Kevin to come. I couldn't have been a more awkward person. Nobody was talking. We just sat there quietly. I hope he doesn't hate me. Nate, Dan, Kevin, Julia and I walked back into the house and down the stairs into a random room where Dan got out a metal box. From there we walked into his back yard and into a small camper. I knew what was in the box, I think everyone knew except Julia. She's so dumb.

Dan carefully opened his metal box and took out a lighter, weed and a bowl. He set everything up and started passing it around. Julia is such a good kid, I felt bad, she doesn't do things like this. I passed on my turn because I didn't want to make Julia uncomfortable. She wouldn't know what shes doing anyway, I swear I have the dumbest friends. Shortly after, we left and walked back to my house. We ordered a pizza and watched a movie. At this point it was almost 11:00 and my grandma decided to show up at my house. Why does she always have to ruin things? So my idiot grandmother walks in and yelled at everyone to leave. Julia and I walked them outside to goodbye. Little did I know, this night wasn't even close to ending.

About an hour later, after Julia and I had taken our makeup off, Dan called. He wanted to know if we wanted to hang out with them again. Like idiots, we agreed, put sweatshirts and makeup on and jumped out the window. Nobody saw, perfect. My grandma was down stairs asleep. I admit, I was a little worried but I wasn't really thinking about it much. I did this all the time, nothing would happen. We all walked down the street. We didn't know where we were going but nobody really cared. We walked silently down the street to a beach. The lake looked so beautiful at night. We hung out there for a few hours. Nate with Julia, Dan and I, and Kevin off by his self. Dan and I were watching Julia and Nate. He kept trying to kiss her, and she liked him. She kept pulling away from him. I wanted to go up to her and slap her. She's so stupid. We walked back, into my backyard. Dan and I went into my tree for while everyone else sat around a table, not talking. By this point it was about 2:30. I'd never been out that late before. I was starting to worry.

I think Dan could tell I was upset. He could also see me shivering, so he handed me his sweatshirt. He's such a gentleman. So there we were sitting in my tree fort talking. Everything went silent for a minute. It didn't last very long. Nate yelled up to Dan, “Are you guys kissing yet??” Did that mean he liked me? Was he going to kiss me? Quickly I changed the subject. I started talking about how tired I was. “I apologize in advance if I fall asleep.” Dan put his arm around me and pulled me closer. I could have stayed there all night. I looked up at him. He looked so cute. That's when he leaned in to kiss me. A million butterflies flew around in my stomach.

“Dude are you guys kissing yet??” Nate's timing couldn't have been worse. Halfway through the kiss I started laughing and pulled away. I hope he wasn't mad. I yelled at Nate to shut up and he was quiet. Dan and I sat there for hours. I looked at him again, I was half asleep but he didn't seem to care. He looked down and kissed me again. In that moment I forgot how to breathe. His lips touched mine gently. It was beautiful. The kiss lasted about ten minutes. Ten minutes of perfection. I couldn't have asked for a better night. We walked down the tree fort ladder and me and Julia silently climbed back in through the window and slithered up to my room, trying not to wake my grandma. We hopped into bed and fell asleep with beautiful thoughts in our head. I couldn't wait to wake up the next morning.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Dark Love (test)

Sitting alone in her dark room, Maria glanced over at the full bottle of pills sitting on her dresser. Teary eyed, she picks them up and opens the bottle. Shaking she brings the bottle of pills to her lips, she can feel them slowly sliding down the orange bottle. A sudden bang hits her window. She jumps and spills the pills all over the floor. The tears are now streaming down her face like a waterfall, fast and nonstop. She looks over at her second floor window. She cautiously walks over to it and looks down. Standing not twenty feet below her is her best friend Lucas, he lived on the other side of town at least a thirty minute car ride to her house. Lucas was the only one who knew about her 'problems'. He was the only one who could really help her

She rushed down stairs to unlock the door for him. Both her parents were upstairs asleep, dead to the world. It's not like they cared about her anyway. If it wasn't her dad stumbling home drunk and yelling at her, it was her mom drugged out of her mind, too numb to even acknowledge her existence.

She opened the door and ran into his arms. He held her tightly.  He was out of breath and sweating, but it didn't bother her, she was just happy that he was there.

“Lucas what are you doing here?” She had stopped crying for the moment.

“Maria I can tell when your not okay. I knew something was wrong and I ran here as fast as I could. I didn't want anything to happen to you... are you okay?”

Maria was still in shock. It was two in the morning. Did Lucas really care about her that much? She hugged him again. She didn't want to let go. She could have stayed safe, in his arms, all night.

“I'm okay now.” she whispered softly. “Thank you” Lucas didn't know how much that meant to her. He just saved her life.

A few weeks after, Maria and Lucas were walking down the street. She looked over at him and for the first time, felt something new, different. She looked at him with love. Not the best friend kind of love that she usually felt towards Lucas but real love. Warmth and compassion. Lucas looked back at her the same way, with love. They put their feelings aside, being careful not to ruin their friendship. Neither knew how the other felt.

The next week Lucas decided to tell Maria that he loved her.

“Maria, I know this sounds weird because we've been friends for our whole lives but I just really need to tell you this. So here it goes...”

 He explained everything to her as they walked to the park and sat on a bench. Maria was surprised. She always thought Lucas only liked her as a friend.

“Maria I lo-” she leaned over and kissed him, interrupting his sentence, and he kissed her back.

They sat there in silence for a few moments until he grabbed her hand and started to get up. Maria followed him. She didn't know where they were going but when he was with her, she felt safe. He walked with her into the center of the city and over to a random rundown building. He took her inside and they walked up the stairs. Maria had no idea where they were but again, she felt safe.

They walked into a dark stairway and he opened the door. A bright light blinded her and the crisp fall wind blew her hair out of her face. She looked out to find he had taken her up to the roof. She looked back at him and then walked over to the edge and looked out. You could see everything from there. It was breathtaking.

Lucas sat down next next to Maria and looked at her.

“If I had to choice between seeing this view everyday or seeing you, I would pick you hands down. I love you so much that it hurts.” He smiled a goofy smile and she laughed. “ I love you too Lucas.”

That became their spot. Every Friday night Maria would meet Lucas up there and they would watch the sunset together and admire the beauty. Maria had never been happier. Lucas had never been more in love. A few times, they fell asleep watching the city turn from a busy day to a sleepy night.

April 29, 2017. It was 4:19 in the afternoon when Maria heard the noise of the phone ring. She groaned and rolled off her bed and answered it. It was Lucas's mother. Maria couldn't understand what she was saying but she seemed upset. She ran over to Lucas's house to find his mother curled up on the couch, unresponsive. She walked over to her and put a hand on her shoulder.

“..Is everything okay? Where's Lucas?”

His mom looked at Maria. Her eyes were red and her face was wet with tears. She explained that Lucas was in a bad car accident and was rushed to the hospital where he died a few hours later.

Maria didn't know what to do. She walked home numb with pain and sat down on her bed and just sat there. She didn't cry, she didn't move. She just sat. She didn't even move when she heard the front door open. Her father came stumbling into her room, drunk. He smelled like liquor, cigarettes and cheap perfume. He was yelling at her. She couldn't hear him but she could see his mouth moving and she could feel him spitting on her face, stuttering with every word. He stumbled and fell to the floor. She stood up, stepped over her fathers frigid body, and slowly walked out of the house, down the street and all the way to Lucas's spot on the roof.

She sat there for a while, thinking. By then it was the morning, and the morning turned into the afternoon and she didn't move. She just sat there, thinking. Then slowly she stood up and walked over to the railing. She swung her legs around and sat over the edge of the 7 story building. She stood up on the thin copper pole and she let go. She didn't jump. She just let go and fell. She would finally be with Lucas and she could finally be happy. She fell one hundred feet all the way to the bottom, but this time Lucas wasn't there to save her.

Thursday, September 18, 2014


Most people get bored in school or in church but how embarrassing is it when you get bored so easily you can't even have one boyfriend for more than a month?

Losing boyfriends is like a talent. Ever since eighth grade, whenever I do had a boyfriend, I always end up getting really and breaking up with them. I feel like a horrible person but I mean, hey, it's not my fault I'm easily disinterested.

There's this one guy though, for the purpose of this story we will be calling 'X'. I dated him after Josh, and for some reason I keep going back to 'X'. I'm not really sure why. Every time I date a new guy, I always end up talking to 'X' again and then breaking up with my other boyfriend. I honestly couldn't tell you how many times this has happened. It's probably been over ten. Each time we start talking again, I fall for his games and it always ends really badly. Something just keeps bringing me back to him. Each time it happens I'll tell my self that it HAS to be the last time and then, not a month later I fall for him again and we start all over.

I think he's the only guy I can really trust and rely on. I keep trying to look for a guy similar to him because I've honestly liked him since the day we met. I want a connection like the one we used to have but each time we start talking again, we fight and stop talking for a while and I hate it. It's his fault I can't have a boyfriend for more than a month. I compare everyone to 'X' and to me he was perfect, so now everyone I compare to him seems... well boring.

Each time I find a guy who I think I like, I'll date him then realize a few days later that I don't actually like him. Honestly, who does that?? Quickly and sadly, I think of 'X'. If he actually liked me then I wouldn't be having this problem but no. All I want is to have a boyfriend who I can actually keep for more than a month but I can't because I keep getting bored! Some people can fix their problems and they can work on their faults but how am I supposed to fix this? It's not something I can just blow off and think “Okay it's whatever”, as much as I would love to do that, my mind doesn't work that way. Don't ask me why because believe me if I knew, I would fix it and maybe actually be in a relationship that actually works out for once.

Okay, lets go over all my failed relationships. So it started with this one guy, who we will call 'J', it was seventh grade and we dated for eight months. He was an awful boyfriend, I wasn't even allowed to talk to his cousin because he thought I would cheat on him. He was extremely over protective and not only that but he always tried to talk me into doing things I didn't want to do. Then, after 'J', was 'X' and I’ve already told that story so then after 'X' was 'C'. I liked 'C' he was cool and nice. He was a little awkward but hey, so am I. I'm going to be honest, things with 'C' got a little creepy, so I broke up with him. I was also bored... big surprise there right? We are still friends today so I guess it all worked out in the end. I broke up with 'C' for this guy, 'K'. He played guitar in my band. He was nice but maybe a little to nice, you know? He was probably the most uninteresting out of all my boyfriends. He took one month to hug me. He was also a boy scout, not like that's bad or anything just maybe a little to 'good' for me. I broke up with 'K' for 'X' and that didn't work out either, another big surprise. We got in a big fight and broke up. Then I dated, I'm running out of letters so I guess we will call him, 'G'. He never even liked me. Honestly, why date someone if you don't like them? So, I have a fan page for Adam Lambert and he found it and started looking at it. That was supposed to be a private account so I blocked him on it and then a few weeks after we break up I heard he made a different account so he could see it. That actually scared me a little. Who does that? So 'G' and I broke up and now here I am.

I honestly feel bad for my next boyfriend. I'm only going to end up comparing him to 'X' and getting bored and breaking up with them. I wonder if I went back to the day I met him, if I would still be getting bored in every relationship I'm in...